Anxiety 

First it was coffee. I gave that up. Then it was chocolate. That was a lot harder to give up. Afterwards, no coffee and no chocolate, still it came. It was my job... on the weekends, it was gone. Soon it was there on the weekend too. It kept growing. 'What was it?' I was searching for it outwards.

Soon peace came only as I was practicing Kapalabhati. Literally every other time an uneasiness stayed in my chest... so I practiced a lot. Even at my workplace, and consequently more unease... I knew that I had to stop, but I was reaching on 3 hours. I went to my Teachers.

Sit with it.
I kept wanting to do something to stop it (whether practicing Kapalabhati or asana, meeting friends, or avoiding caffeine) ~ but Yoga is just STOP. Like that. 

When I go on following actions, it's an unending race. When it's like that, my stomach is tense, my breath shallow, my mind quickened. When I sit, my breath deepens, my mind slows, I can even notice my stomach muscles release.

Soon sitting down became my escape; I felt crazy when I couldn't do it. In Yoga there is Aparigraha [non-attachment], which I was not practicing this. I was not practicing yoga. It is good to sit down and watch/count your breath, but this is about sitting with it (thoughts, feelings...). This comes in the times when I do not want to sit or slow down. This is when I can turn inwards because I am not following my desires or allowing my mind to spin. Then I can see thoughts arise to move and to plan and to do; even my body can move ~ I might not be meditating (in terms of mind being silent), but I am listening to my Teachers. This is Abyhãsa [practice], which is not about a pretty posture or sitting still. It is not doing what I want. Practice is doing as the teacher says. Sit with it. 

As time went on, the anxiety faded away. I can't recall when exactly. I just to notice when it came up (and the thoughts that came before it). For me, it is when I feel rushed ~

1) fast forwarding to a future that is not yet real

2) or running from the (already passed) past

~ and I noticed that I wanted to worry about these things. I was making this feeling. I need to do this or that; to get here or there. 

This watching is Yoga. When we watch understanding comes and the pattern falls away on its own. Sometimes though, some anxiety arises. It's when I struggle to slow down, but I seeing this now and I keep hearing my Teachers. Sit with it. I have their support wherever I am 💓 

Photo: Jimin Teacher